My friend, Abdo, from the University of Chicago Middle Eastern Music Ensemble posted a thought on facebook recently: “If someone tells you they are struggling and your immediate response is comparison, you’ve lost.” This thought, this notion, this sentiment, this potential tenet, or adage got me thinking. More than thinking, I might have even mulled it over and once or twice. I believe I even contemplated a few times.
What should we say when “someone tells you they are struggling?” There seems to be a lot of struggling going these days. It is all related to a mélange of war, social angst to the left of us, social angst to the rights, inflation, a polarized government and populace, and whatever is going on astrologically. It is all rooted in the unprecedented disruption caused by the pandemic. If you don’t believe me, it has been widely reported in the media by mental health experts.
People generally don’t do well with change that disrupts their routine. Change means venturing into the unknown. Change means getting out of our comfort zone. Change means having to deal with the unknown and being out of our comfort zone. Change on the order we have experienced for the past two and a half years is all of the above and is probably a 17 on a 10-point scale. It is all new. There is no precedent for this. Sure, we talked about the great flu pandemic of 1918. There are some parallels. But since then, the population of the world has exploded, and the world has gotten smaller due to transportation and technology advances. The economy has moved in unpredictable ways e.g., we are on the brink of a recession with unemployment at maybe the lowest rate ever a phenomenon for which the economists have not precedent.
Some of these changes are for the better. A lot of people have done well economically. Without a doubt, the lowest tiers socio-economically have suffered the most. I would contest that it has also been hard on young folk in high school and college. I have seen students whose senior year of high school and freshman year of college were essentially online. Such isolation at a time where socialization is critical is a huge change for young folk to deal with.
There was an article in the July 14, 2022 New York Times: The Magic of Your First Work Friends. I didn’t even have to read the article to get the full gist of it. I immediately thought of my first work friends. They were critical to my acclimation to the working life. A few are supportive lifelong friends. These relationships are solidified by the social aspects of working together: the chit-chats, coffee breaks, lunches, and after work activities. This just doesn’t happen very easily in the remote work lifestyle. This must contribute to the struggles young people may be experiencing.
So, what do we say or do when someone tells you they are struggling?
I guess first and foremost, we should respond with empathy. Not everyone is capable of this, however. Some of us are not very empathetic at all. These folks are apt to respond with “Buck-up”, “Stop complaining and hunker down”, or “Why is your generation so whiney and needy, just do your job.” Unless this is the kind of feedback you want and need, don’t share you are struggling with people you know or suspect have no empathy.
If we respond with empathy, it is highly likely we next try to share something we believe might help or alleviate the struggling. Yes, this would be called… advice. Often, advice given to others who are struggling comes in two forms. I am guessing the most popular method used is to relate their struggle to something in our own experience and history. By doing so, we are making a comparison we hope the person struggling can relate to. Perhaps that comparison including how we dealt with it will help the person struggling. Another way we try to help the person struggling is by try to help problem solve and brainstorming solutions and coping methods. Be forewarned that this method may also rely on our experiences and how we dealt with our own struggles.
Bottom-line, there may be no escaping comparisons if one chooses to share that they are struggling with others. Empathy and trying to help others when we are able is one of the best part of being human.
How we take such “help” is another matter.
The Greek stoic Epictetus (50 – 135 AD) has an often-cited quote: “It is not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters.” I might change the message a bit in this case, “It is not what someone tells you, but how you react to it.” So, how do we take the advice and comparisons of others when we tell them we are struggling? We did reveal our struggle to them. Should we be upset or discouraged when we don’t like how they react or the advice they give? If that is our reaction more often than not, it is probably best to keep our struggles to ourselves.
Remember that Epictetus was born into slavery. While a slave, he had much less control over what happened to him. He realized that he only had control in how he reacted. It is profound. It is easy to say. It is easy to comprehend. And, as is often the case, much harder to put into practice.
It is truly a matter of perspective.
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