Thursday, October 28, 2010

Armenians Invented Clothes

  1. Back in June of this year, the world’s oldest shoe found in Armenia -
  2. Now, today, I just learned that the world’s oldest shirt was also found in Armenia -
  3. There is only one conclusion that any Armenian can come to:  Armenians invented clothes.
Didn't we all learn in our Armenian School days that "Armenians were inventing clothing, while all other peoples were either swinging from trees or living in caves?"  Oh the folly of youth!  We just assumed that was all hyperbole.

There was even writing on the shirt, and this is astonishing, that said:

"See you at the 5899 Olympics in Armavir!"

Not only shoes and shirts... we invented athletics... clearly.

It was not until 4520, however, that Goolba the Elder from Garni invented socks... he was quoted to have said:  "The heel, darn it!  We had to find out how to sew the heel.  That was the key."

The greatest innovation in clothing was from Wardik the Magnificent of Djermuk.  He invented the first boxer shorts.  At first, these so called “wardiks” or “vardigs” in western Armenian were used simply to make pants (invented of course by Shalvar of Sunik in 4633) last longer and look better.  Wardik’s direct descendent and good friend of mine, Mardik Pambagian from Springfield, MA, always lament’s “If he had only patented his invention like his mother told him to…”

Women were not left out of the act by any means.  We are all aware from our Sunday School lessons that one Digeen San-toukht of the Ladies Auxiliary of Aragats invented toilet paper in 2877. Who can forget her famous quote, "I jus vant everyone smell better... dats all."

I believe nearby the excavations where the oldest shoe and oldest shirt were found, archeologists will find the ruins of the oldest cafe with the oldest sign that says... 
  • No shoes
  • No shirt
  • No service 

They might even find the oldest village with the oldest haberdashery, the oldest outlet mall, and I wouldn't even be surprised if we found the oldest coffee shop.  We did invent coffee didn't we?  We most certainly invented commerce. 

Clearly, we are the cradle of all civilization. 

Oh... the mummified goat?  I am doing more research on that.

1 comment:

  1. There is no end to the Armenian firsts. Apparently Armenians invented wine too. All of this stuff is in very special cave.